Look at this goofy kid. Long hair, skinny as hell, rash guard too small, and God knows who's surfboard he's carrying. That was me. About 5 years ago. I moved to Hawai'i because I felt like God was telling me to step out in faith and go.
I got there, and nothing happened like I thought it would, but that's life. Especially when you're living from day to day in faith not knowing when or where your next meal is going to be just that it will come. There is a certain and undeniable freedom that comes from life lived in such an edgey manner.
So, what happens to us? Somewhere along the line, I lost faith. I lost faith that what I was doing was the right thing. I didn't lose faith that God would take care (even though sometimes I'm not sure if I have faith in that or not). I lost faith in myself. Now - I do not regret the decisions I made between then and now if for no other reason, because in that time I learned a valuable skill, met my wife, and have started a family (at this writing, our son, Noah, is about 3 1/2 months old). But, there are things that I do regret. I regret that I don't live my life as much in faith now as I did then.
I drive one and a half hours to work each way four days a week. I have a lot of time to think. I think about a lot of stuff. I think about how disconent I am that I traded my awesome 2007 Dodge Ram 1500 for our dinky 2009 Saturn Vue Hybrid. I made
the voluntary and conscious decision to downgrade my vehicle for the sake of our budget (which might turn out to be a moot point in a few months...time will tell). I think about the last time I traded a truck for a smaller car thinking I'd get better gas mileage - the ironic thing is that I traded the truck for a Saturn back then also. The other funny thing is that I was just as discontent about it then as I am now. This is just one example.
I also think about ministry. Why did I ever want to do ministry? Why do I still want to do ministry? What does it even mean to do ministry? Is my vision for ministry that I had when I
was 17 (Two Thirds Worldwide Surf Ministry...at the time it was called Water Walkers Surf Ministry) a viable or plausible ministry? And what about my new idea for ministry - Two Thirds Surf (a Christian Surf Magazine)? Personally, I have just been involved in so many things that I wasn't passionate about that I want to do something that I love doing - something that I can't wait to get started on when I wake up in the morning. And I have never felt more productive or happy about what I was doing with myself as I did in that period of time living in faith and volunteering full time at my church in Hawai'i. I started my second surf minsitry out there. I organized beach clean-ups, surf lessons, and Bible studies. It was great.
But, how do I do that now? I have so many time contraints:
- Work - 8-12 hour shifts
- Driving to work - 3 hours/day
- Noah - every ounce of my energy and then some
- The household - cleaning, cooking/prepping food, bills/finances, etc.
Honestly, I don't know how people do it. How do people pursue their passions aside from their full time jobs? I really enjoy photography, I love scuba diving and surfing, exploring and adventure. I don't get that at work. I don't get that in my life right now.
But, you know what? This season is just that - a season. And seasons, by their very nature, are temporary. My son won't always be so young (for better and worse). My work schedule won't always be so hectic. And, Lord willing, Nicole and I will be able to be wise enough with out money that we can afford to go on an adventure here and there. But, ministry...
Ministry takes a time commitment that I just don't have. Nicole and I don't even have the time to read our Bibles on our own, much less go to church, much less start a ministry and commit to it.
Basically, I am feeling restless. I want to be able to express myself, and hopefully the heart of Christ, through service and adventure. I want to see the awesomeness that the world has to offer and hopefully offer a few good things to the world. I want to be the kind of dad that Noah looks up to (and even though it is admirable, I don't want him to only look up to me for serving in the military as is so common). I want to be the kind of husband my wife loves, cherishes, trusts, and is willing to follow because she trusts me and my relationship with Christ. Honestly, I don't think I am being any of those things. And thus my discontentment.....
